Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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