I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
