Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
my being single is dangerous.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
