I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
