I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
