Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
