You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
