Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
