thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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