So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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