It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I want her autograph on my taint
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
