Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
