you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
