He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
