Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
