Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
