How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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