Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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