Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
