My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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