My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
We talked him into tasing himself.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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