how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
