I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
