What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
