So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
