Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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