first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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