Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Dear god my vagina.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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