break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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