got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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