i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
do herpes really smell.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
