Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
