apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
