I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Sext me about skeletons
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
