Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
