I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
