I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
