who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
