when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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