then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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