Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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