I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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