she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
