Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
