Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
