True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
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