I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
MIDGETS
????
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
