Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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