3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
