The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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