I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
