No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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