the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
