i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
